As I sit here un-showered for three days now, I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions that lay within even matter? They say that emotions can be quit deceiving. I question because there is a real world that is going on and I’m just pathetically stuck in this lethargic body. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.
What one ought to keep in mind, however, is that how a disease affects a person’s feeling of well-being is immensely important. Depression, especially its major forms, strips its victims of the very moods needed to more easily travel from one day to the next. Depression acts like a social repellent, retarding the very thing which can help the most – social ties and bonds and support. And like salt into a wound, many cultures breed a malicious ignorance about the condition, inflicting more pain and isolation.
Often, Depression shadows other diseases – and Depression is the cruelest part because it can beat-down the will of patients to hope realistically.
Depression feels like a tremendous amount of pain that has crawled deep with in your muscles as it weights your shoulders down and then wraps itself around your neck and into your head. Its close friend, anxiety lurks in to take a turn; it grabs your chest and with its burning hands it squeezes any remaining comfort right out of you. It begins to hurt just to breathe… thus you battle that pain and breathe shallow, thinking your now, panicked heart, won’t hurt so bad if you don’t breath so much. Your soul becomes heavy, weighted down by the hopelessness and only because hopelessness has proven itself true over time, doubt begins to grow and your faith becomes starved. You now sink further into the grasp of this persistent darkness; depression has taken up residence and feels it is here to stay.
It is as if everything leaves your body. Your soul is all that is left and you would do about anything to stay in a place so holy. Your mind starts ripping you back to your flesh, thoughts instigate an interference; you are slipping from glory. The senses… intense. Concentration interrupted during the moment’s in-between and your mind fights to stay; yet the magnet of your disruptive thoughts lure you away. There are those fleetingly glorious, travels, back to that inconceivable realm and for a split second… you are just that soul once again.
Distractions, they pull you away, and you let them… although it seems like you are trying with every ounce of your being… your mind continues to battle for a place in this remarkable space. Judgments of self-worth leave you feeling unworthy of just being a soul… you give up on your fight; although your experience may have been mind blowing; you let your mind stay with the views of obscurities. You’ve seen and experienced too much loss of hope. Your mind has let your soul slip out of that glories sphere one too many times. Evil has tainted sanctity and now your mind believes, it is shame that deserves the stake in your heart.
To deserve to be in such a moment where all energy leaves, where you become weightless, where you are fully wrapped in a moment as you mind allows all logic and science to be placed on hold – while you experience fully being one with a force unexplainable; it is going to take much practice, self love and a lot of faith… until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…
– Until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…
Nothing Can Compare To The Beauty of His Artistry
“God, I am in awe of the beauty of Your nature that surrounds us… It’s as if you opened up the heavens and sprinkled beauty so pure for us to marvel at such a wonder. We, who are poets, writers, photographers, and artists; we strive to create words that express… capture pictures to illustrate and paint stories to convey. And yet You, with one breath, dust beauty among us ”
Here I stand looking into the heavens, and knew, that this is the God who spoke light and divided darkness, placed the stars in the heavens and painted sunsets that take our breath away. We could never come close to capturing the beauty of His artistry. To be able to illustrate as He has – no mortal man could compare. So here I stand lifting my hands; captured by His grace and cleansed with His mercy… as it washes this unworthy soul white as snow.
I Will Paint You A Rainbow
If your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky
I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush
When skies are gray
and you moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made
You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
Please don’t take my rainbow away
There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view
For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’
Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.
Sleepless and weary. Becoming aggravated that I can’t seem to write! I miss the release when I let my mind and soul create what I’m trying to express… It’s a bit stuck….
My future lies in the hands of an almighty God. My hope is in Him. Whom then shall I fear; For if my God is for me… then who shall stand against me.
In these moments of seemingly defeat … My God holds the future in His hands.. His plans are plans for me to prosper… not for harm… Because in the end… EVERY knee in heaven and on earth and all the spiritual realm will bow at the name of Jesus…
My Faith in Him gives me a hope that sees beyond this pain to a day where no more darkness, no more sickness, and no more pain will be… and the glory of the LORD will defeat all evil forevermore.
Here I am Lord… On my knees… You are the potter and i am the clay.
When I can’t find the words to verbalize
I capture it behind a camera that implies
Paint you a color to realize
Give you a song to reprise
and though it’s not direct, I have generalized
The story within my eyes
If the saying is true
that a picture is worth a thousand words
Then this is just another way to construe
And the saying let my words be few
Is just another point of view
It would leave many of you with a chill
To know those thousand words in one still
It would pull back the clouded vision
From the ones who think they understand the drill!
Perhaps then some would discern
they haven’t truly been displaying a goodwill.
That's A Bright Idea...
I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.
I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their grasp really isn’t there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now all just a memory not a relieved reality.
I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.
The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.
I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us. We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be. For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.
Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.